Peter's Quotes / Season 1

S01E01 - DEATH HAS A SHADOW

Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep." So, I'm just gonna tell a little lie. Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the "lost-my-job" smells great.
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, could you pass the "fired-my-ass-for-negligence?"
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!


S01E03 - CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.


S01E04 - MIND OVER MURDER


Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens. Inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers. [he puts on some pants and drinks out of a beer bottle and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish YOU wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]


S01E06 - THE SON ALSO DRAWS


[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
------------------------------------
Meg: Okay, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
[Living room. Peter is on the couch. Chris walks in and jumps on his lap.]
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun, and I... Oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter on the cheek; Peter has a horrified look on his face]
Peter: [in shock] Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. [does so]


S01E07 - PORTRAIT OF A DOG


Peter: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: WHAT?!
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough! [Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls! [shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape, except Stewie, who's smiling]