Peter's Quotes / Season 2 (part1)

S02E01 - PETER PETER, CAVIAR EATER


Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.
************
[Brian is teaching Peter proper etiquette; Peter appears to be strapped to an electric chair]
Brian: Okay, Peter. I was hoping that I wasn't going to have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress has been...well, who are we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now, the left TV is tuned to Frasier, and the right TV has Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you ten thousand volts.
Peter: Got it.
[ Frasier plays ]
Niles: Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent, when you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa.
Peter: Huh. This is the smartest show on TV.
[ Ricki Lake can be heard ]
Guest on Ricki Lake: Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend! She ain't supposed to be havin' no penis!
[Peter looks at the right TV and gets shocked]



S02E02 - HOLY CRAP

Lois: (about Francis) He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. (Peter and Lois stare at him) I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.


S02E03 - DaBOOM

Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?
*************
Lois: [calling upstairs] Peter, come on! You've had a thousand years to get ready for this party! [to Brian] It always takes him so long to get dressed.
[Cutaway to Lois in the bathroom, looking at her watch. She is wearing a purple striped dress, high heels and a necklace.]
Lois: Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?
[Peter enters, wearing the exact same outfit Lois is wearing, stitch for stitch.]
Peter: [after noticing what Lois is wearing] Aw, crap. Well, one of us is gonna have to change. [Lois just looks at him, disapprovingly. He sighs and rolls his eyes, then turns around] Unzip me.



S02E04 - BRIAN IN LOVE

Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you some beer. It goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: ...Y-yeah?
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY! Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be DAMN GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! Starting right... [strains for a moment; nothing happens.] Well, not now... BUT SOON!



S02E05 - LOVE THY TROPHY

Peter: Y-you told Child Services that we steal lawnmowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named "Stan."
Bonnie: Uh, actually, I said "Satan". That's a typo.
Quagmire: Well, we- we didn't know who that woman was. It's not our fault!
Lois: No? Then who's fault is it?
Brian: It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy! You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.
Lois: Brian's right! Oh, we were so obsessed with that trophy that we lost sight of what was really going on! Well, now we have a real problem to deal with.
Peter: That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax...Joe. [he points at Joe; Lois folds her arms in disgust] And we have to get Stewie back! [to Lois] I remembered.
Cleveland: Well, we're here to help, and we must get our baby back!
Joe: Right on! Let's do it! ROCK THAT WORLD! ROCK THEIR WORLD!
[Everyone stares at first, then murmurs in agreement.]
****************
Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!



S02E06 - DEATH IS A BITCH

Dr. Hartman: This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all...
Lois: Oh!
Dr. Hartman: [shows a child-like drawing of himself] My-my Nephew drew my portrait; it doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, look at the nose, it's all-
Lois: WILL YOU JUST TELL US ABOUT PETER'S TESTS?!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute, how the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: ...Can't it be both?
****************
Death: I got it! I'm a genius! You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter: I knew it! The moment that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois: It's true, he did say it.



S02E07 - THE KING IS DEAD

Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
Peter: That's not true! I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.
Lois: No you didn't.
Peter: ...You win this round, Lois.
Lois: You're not being creative, you're just destroying a wonderful show.
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 AM.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 AM is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.


S02E08 - I AM PETER, HEAR ME ROAR

Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]
Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois. Not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
**************
Lois: [mocks] "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter: Come on Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid. Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[Cutaway to 10 minutes ago]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we've wanted one of those!
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[Cut back to Peter and Lois 10 minutes after]
Lois: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.


S02E09 - IF I'M DYIN' I'M LYIN'

Peter: Wow! I look like a freakin' Emmy! [laughs, then looks at the camera] Hint hint.
***********
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [while slapping Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!


S02E10 - RUNNING MATES

Peter: [coming outside in his underwear] Hey, Lois, you seen my pants? [audience laughs; Peter looks at a group of people on the other side of the street sitting in bleachers] Boy, will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter, we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh, yeah. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire! [looks at the sign] Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Brian: Uh, you guys, Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. [audience oohs]
Peter: Oh, that's it, I'm calling the cops!



S02E11 - A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1,000 BUCKS

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
[We see he is actually driving blind]
Lois: Then at least let me drive!
Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.
***********
Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.
Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]