S02E01 - PETER PETER, CAVIAR EATER
Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.
************
[Brian is teaching Peter proper etiquette; Peter appears to be strapped to an electric chair]
Brian: Okay, Peter. I was hoping that I wasn't going to have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress has been...well, who are we kidding? You haven't made any progress. Now, the left TV is tuned to Frasier, and the right TV has Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you ten thousand volts.
Peter: Got it.
[ Frasier plays ]
Niles: Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent, when you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa.
Peter: Huh. This is the smartest show on TV.
[ Ricki Lake can be heard ]
Guest on Ricki Lake: Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend! She ain't supposed to be havin' no penis!
[Peter looks at the right TV and gets shocked]
S02E02 - HOLY CRAP
Lois: (about Francis) He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. (Peter and Lois stare at him) I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
S02E03 - DaBOOM
Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?
*************
Lois: [calling upstairs] Peter, come on! You've had a thousand years to get ready for this party! [to Brian] It always takes him so long to get dressed.
[Cutaway to Lois in the bathroom, looking at her watch. She is wearing a purple striped dress, high heels and a necklace.]
Lois: Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?
[Peter enters, wearing the exact same outfit Lois is wearing, stitch for stitch.]
Peter: [after noticing what Lois is wearing] Aw, crap. Well, one of us is gonna have to change. [Lois just looks at him, disapprovingly. He sighs and rolls his eyes, then turns around] Unzip me.
S02E04 - BRIAN IN LOVE
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you some beer. It goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: ...Y-yeah?
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY! Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be DAMN GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! Starting right... [strains for a moment; nothing happens.] Well, not now... BUT SOON!
S02E05 - LOVE THY TROPHY
Peter: Y-you told Child Services that we steal lawnmowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named "Stan."
Bonnie: Uh, actually, I said "Satan". That's a typo.
Quagmire: Well, we- we didn't know who that woman was. It's not our fault!
Lois: No? Then who's fault is it?
Brian: It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy! You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.
Lois: Brian's right! Oh, we were so obsessed with that trophy that we lost sight of what was really going on! Well, now we have a real problem to deal with.
Peter: That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax...Joe. [he points at Joe; Lois folds her arms in disgust] And we have to get Stewie back! [to Lois] I remembered.
Cleveland: Well, we're here to help, and we must get our baby back!
Joe: Right on! Let's do it! ROCK THAT WORLD! ROCK THEIR WORLD!
[Everyone stares at first, then murmurs in agreement.]
****************
Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
S02E06 - DEATH IS A BITCH
Dr. Hartman: This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all...
Lois: Oh!
Dr. Hartman: [shows a child-like drawing of himself] My-my Nephew drew my portrait; it doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, look at the nose, it's all-
Lois: WILL YOU JUST TELL US ABOUT PETER'S TESTS?!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute, how the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: ...Can't it be both?
****************
Death: I got it! I'm a genius! You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter: I knew it! The moment that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois: It's true, he did say it.
S02E07 - THE KING IS DEAD
Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
Peter: That's not true! I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.
Lois: No you didn't.
Peter: ...You win this round, Lois.
Lois: You're not being creative, you're just destroying a wonderful show.
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 AM.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 AM is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
S02E08 - I AM PETER, HEAR ME ROAR
Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]
Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois. Not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
**************
Lois: [mocks] "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter: Come on Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid. Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[Cutaway to 10 minutes ago]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we've wanted one of those!
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[Cut back to Peter and Lois 10 minutes after]
Lois: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.
S02E09 - IF I'M DYIN' I'M LYIN'
Peter: Wow! I look like a freakin' Emmy! [laughs, then looks at the camera] Hint hint.
***********
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [while slapping Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!
S02E10 - RUNNING MATES
Peter: [coming outside in his underwear] Hey, Lois, you seen my pants? [audience laughs; Peter looks at a group of people on the other side of the street sitting in bleachers] Boy, will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter, we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh, yeah. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire! [looks at the sign] Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Brian: Uh, you guys, Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. [audience oohs]
Peter: Oh, that's it, I'm calling the cops!
S02E11 - A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1,000 BUCKS
[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
[We see he is actually driving blind]
Lois: Then at least let me drive!
Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.
***********
Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.
Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Musical Numbers By Peter / Part 1
The show often incorporates musical numbers in Broadway style as part of its episode technique, either as tangential vignettes or to advance the plotline. On April 26, 2005 Family Guy: Live in Vegas was released and was a collaboration between composer Walter Murphy and Seth MacFarlane. It features a show tune theme. Only one song, the theme song, is related to the show. Also included was the music video "Stewie's Sexy Party". In 2002, both MacFarlane and Murphy won the Emmy award for the song "You've Got a Lot to See" from the episode "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows", while in 2007, Murphy received another nomination for the song "My Drunken Irish Dad". The nomination was shared with the writer of the episode, Danny Smith, who wrote the lyrics to the song.
In 2000, composer Ron Jones received an Emmy Award nomination for the song "We Only Live to Kiss Your Ass" from the season two episode "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater". The nomination was shared with the writer of the episode Chris Sheridan, who wrote the lyrics to the song.
In 2008, Jones received another Emmy nomination for scoring the episode "Lois Kills Stewie", the second part of the 2-part 100th episode of "Family Guy". It should also be interesting to note that for Part 1, Jones used a cliffhanger cue similar to his music to "The Best of Both Worlds", the popular two-parter of Star Trek: The Next Generation, because Seth MacFarlane and executive producer David A. Goodman are both avid Trekkies.
------
GIVE UP THE TOAD
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=h1ljSn
You'll get chills all through your body
and you'll loseall contr
olof your bladder and your sphincter
thats your butthole
Cause, if you use toad
then I'm tellin you
you can kiss your life goodbye
Yeah when you use toad
it'll mess you up
It'll make your mama cry
thats no lie
you'll choke on your tongue and die
Gotta give it up
(gotta give up the toad now)
its no joke
buddy give it up
(you gotta give up the toad now)
or you'll croak
buddy give it up
(gotta give up the toad now)
and dont smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee
There'll be blood
gushing from you
everytime that you cough
and forget getting lucky it falls off
So you better wise up
cause I'm tellin you
toad is one lando forbids
Gotta give it all up
or your gonna see
your whole life will hit the skids
and your kids
will be born without eyelids
Gotta give it up
(give up the toad now)
(thanks to you)
just give it up
(give up the toad now)
(thanks to you)
give it up
(give up the toad now)
I'm no fool
Landos cool
YEAH!
*********
DRUNKEN IRISH DAD
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=SOSOz9
Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring, And he never taught me anything, But still I slap my chest and sing - Of My Drunken Irish Dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map, And he never shuts his freakin' trap...
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the clap From your Drunken Irish Dad.
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Reardon, and Rooney... They'll tell you the same McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter and Clooney, All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan. Look to the ground while their dad passes by Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty, Fight for his honor and then start to cry!
(People in the bar dance and brawl while others play the fiddle, tin whistle, and concertina.)
Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm, And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm...
Mickey: (Spoken) And we don't tan well either.
All: ...From a Drunken Irish Dad!!
***********
I NEED A JEW
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=lfSPuW
Peter: Nothing else has worked so far
So I'll wish upon a star
Wonderous shining speck of light
I need a Jew
Lois makes me take the rap
Cause our checkbook looks like crap
Since I can't give her a slap
I need a Jew
Where to find A Baum or Steen or Stein
To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss...
Though by many they're abhored
Hebrew people I've adored
Even though they killed my Lord
I need a Jew
Max: Hi, my name's Max Weinstein, my car just broke down, can I use you phone?
Peter: Now my troubles are all through
I have a Jew!
Max: Hey!
************
I HAVE JAMES WOODS
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=b9bkvJ
Peter: Someone to care for, to be there for. I have James Woods.
James: Someone to do for, muddle through for. You have James Woods.
Peter: Someone to share joy or despair with, whichever betides you.
James: Life becomes a chore...
Both: Unless you're living for...
Peter: Someone to tend to, be a friend to. I have James Woods.
James: Someone to strive for, do or die for. You have James Woods.
Both: It's true, we two, have a likewise point of view.
James: 'Cause James Woods has you.
Peter: And I have James Woods, too!
**********
CANT'T TOUCH ME
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=h2ytAu
(Peter has just stepped on the grass)
Police Officer: Hey, that's against the law! (grabbing Peter's arm), you're coming with me.
Peter: (Peter pulls his hand out of the officer's grasp) ah ah ah! can't touch me! Can't touch me! Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue.
points to MC Hammer and then graffitis on a wall "Petoria 4-Ever"
Peter: I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street! I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat! Can't touch me! Can't touch me!
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter dancing: Can't touch me!
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: STOP! Peter Time! I'm a big shot! There's no doubt! Light a fire then pee it out! Don't like it, kiss my rump! Just for a minute let's all do the bump.
Everybody does the bump
Peter: Can't touch me, Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump! Can't touch me! I'm Presidential Peter! Interns think I'm hot! Don't care if you're handicapped! I'll still park in your spot! Ties Joe to a back of the truck with chains
I've been around the world from Hartford to Back Bay! It's Peter, Go Peter, MC Peter, Yo Peter! Let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me!
The song ends. A police officer is writing a ticket.
Peter to woman: Except for you, you can touch me.
In 2000, composer Ron Jones received an Emmy Award nomination for the song "We Only Live to Kiss Your Ass" from the season two episode "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater". The nomination was shared with the writer of the episode Chris Sheridan, who wrote the lyrics to the song.
In 2008, Jones received another Emmy nomination for scoring the episode "Lois Kills Stewie", the second part of the 2-part 100th episode of "Family Guy". It should also be interesting to note that for Part 1, Jones used a cliffhanger cue similar to his music to "The Best of Both Worlds", the popular two-parter of Star Trek: The Next Generation, because Seth MacFarlane and executive producer David A. Goodman are both avid Trekkies.
------
GIVE UP THE TOAD
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=h1ljSn
You'll get chills all through your body
and you'll loseall contr
olof your bladder and your sphincter
thats your butthole
Cause, if you use toad
then I'm tellin you
you can kiss your life goodbye
Yeah when you use toad
it'll mess you up
It'll make your mama cry
thats no lie
you'll choke on your tongue and die
Gotta give it up
(gotta give up the toad now)
its no joke
buddy give it up
(you gotta give up the toad now)
or you'll croak
buddy give it up
(gotta give up the toad now)
and dont smoke or you'll see it hurts to pee
There'll be blood
gushing from you
everytime that you cough
and forget getting lucky it falls off
So you better wise up
cause I'm tellin you
toad is one lando forbids
Gotta give it all up
or your gonna see
your whole life will hit the skids
and your kids
will be born without eyelids
Gotta give it up
(give up the toad now)
(thanks to you)
just give it up
(give up the toad now)
(thanks to you)
give it up
(give up the toad now)
I'm no fool
Landos cool
YEAH!
*********
DRUNKEN IRISH DAD
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=SOSOz9
Peter: Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring, And he never taught me anything, But still I slap my chest and sing - Of My Drunken Irish Dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map, And he never shuts his freakin' trap...
Mickey: But all the ladies catch the clap From your Drunken Irish Dad.
Peter: Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Reardon, and Rooney... They'll tell you the same McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter and Clooney, All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.
Mickey: Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly, and Flanagan. Look to the ground while their dad passes by Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty, Fight for his honor and then start to cry!
(People in the bar dance and brawl while others play the fiddle, tin whistle, and concertina.)
Both: Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm, And our moods infect us like a germ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm...
Mickey: (Spoken) And we don't tan well either.
All: ...From a Drunken Irish Dad!!
***********
I NEED A JEW
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=lfSPuW
Peter: Nothing else has worked so far
So I'll wish upon a star
Wonderous shining speck of light
I need a Jew
Lois makes me take the rap
Cause our checkbook looks like crap
Since I can't give her a slap
I need a Jew
Where to find A Baum or Steen or Stein
To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss...
Though by many they're abhored
Hebrew people I've adored
Even though they killed my Lord
I need a Jew
Max: Hi, my name's Max Weinstein, my car just broke down, can I use you phone?
Peter: Now my troubles are all through
I have a Jew!
Max: Hey!
************
I HAVE JAMES WOODS
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=b9bkvJ
Peter: Someone to care for, to be there for. I have James Woods.
James: Someone to do for, muddle through for. You have James Woods.
Peter: Someone to share joy or despair with, whichever betides you.
James: Life becomes a chore...
Both: Unless you're living for...
Peter: Someone to tend to, be a friend to. I have James Woods.
James: Someone to strive for, do or die for. You have James Woods.
Both: It's true, we two, have a likewise point of view.
James: 'Cause James Woods has you.
Peter: And I have James Woods, too!
**********
CANT'T TOUCH ME
http://www.supload.com/listen?s=h2ytAu
(Peter has just stepped on the grass)
Police Officer: Hey, that's against the law! (grabbing Peter's arm), you're coming with me.
Peter: (Peter pulls his hand out of the officer's grasp) ah ah ah! can't touch me! Can't touch me! Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue.
points to MC Hammer and then graffitis on a wall "Petoria 4-Ever"
Peter: I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street! I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat! Can't touch me! Can't touch me!
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter dancing: Can't touch me!
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: STOP! Peter Time! I'm a big shot! There's no doubt! Light a fire then pee it out! Don't like it, kiss my rump! Just for a minute let's all do the bump.
Everybody does the bump
Peter: Can't touch me, Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump! Can't touch me! I'm Presidential Peter! Interns think I'm hot! Don't care if you're handicapped! I'll still park in your spot! Ties Joe to a back of the truck with chains
I've been around the world from Hartford to Back Bay! It's Peter, Go Peter, MC Peter, Yo Peter! Let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me!
The song ends. A police officer is writing a ticket.
Peter to woman: Except for you, you can touch me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Peter's Quotes / Season 1
S01E01 - DEATH HAS A SHADOW
Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep." So, I'm just gonna tell a little lie. Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the "lost-my-job" smells great.
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, could you pass the "fired-my-ass-for-negligence?"
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!
S01E03 - CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG
Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
S01E04 - MIND OVER MURDER
Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens. Inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers. [he puts on some pants and drinks out of a beer bottle and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish YOU wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]
S01E06 - THE SON ALSO DRAWS
[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
------------------------------------
Meg: Okay, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
[Living room. Peter is on the couch. Chris walks in and jumps on his lap.]
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun, and I... Oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter on the cheek; Peter has a horrified look on his face]
Peter: [in shock] Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. [does so]
S01E07 - PORTRAIT OF A DOG
Peter: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: WHAT?!
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough! [Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls! [shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape, except Stewie, who's smiling]
Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep." So, I'm just gonna tell a little lie. Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the "lost-my-job" smells great.
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, could you pass the "fired-my-ass-for-negligence?"
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!
S01E03 - CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG
Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
S01E04 - MIND OVER MURDER
Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens. Inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers. [he puts on some pants and drinks out of a beer bottle and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish YOU wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]
S01E06 - THE SON ALSO DRAWS
[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
------------------------------------
Meg: Okay, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
[Living room. Peter is on the couch. Chris walks in and jumps on his lap.]
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun, and I... Oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter on the cheek; Peter has a horrified look on his face]
Peter: [in shock] Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. [does so]
S01E07 - PORTRAIT OF A DOG
Peter: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: WHAT?!
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough! [Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls! [shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape, except Stewie, who's smiling]
Peter's Family
Wife : Lois Griffin (born Pewterschmidt) is a fictional character from the animated series Family Guy. She is the wife of Peter Griffin and the mother of Meg, Chris and Stewie. She is voiced by former MADtv cast member Alex Borstein.
Full name
Lois Griffin
Husband
Peter
Children
Meg, Chris, Stewie
Parents
Barbara and Carter
Pewterschmidt Siblings
Patrick and Carol
Gender
Female
Hair color
Red
Occupation
Housewife, Piano teacher
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Son number 1 : Stewie Griffiin ( SEE HERE
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Son number 2 : Chris Griffin ( SEE HERE
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Children
Meg, Chris, Stewie
Parents
Barbara and Carter
Pewterschmidt Siblings
Patrick and Carol
Gender
Female
Hair color
Red
Occupation
Housewife, Piano teacher
-----
Son number 1 : Stewie Griffiin ( SEE HERE
-----
Son number 2 : Chris Griffin ( SEE HERE
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Daughter : Megan "Meg" Griffin is a fictional character from the animated television series Family Guy. She is the oldest child of Lois and Peter Griffin, sister of Chris and Stewie. Meg attends James Woods High School as a senior, where she struggles for acceptance and popularity.
Full name
Megan Griffin
Parents
Peter and Lois
Siblings
Chris and Stewie
Gender
Female
Hair color
Brunette
Occupation
High School Student
-----
Pet : Brian Griffin is a fictional character from the animated television series Family Guy, and is voiced by show creator Seth MacFarlane. He is an anthropomorphic white Beagle who stands bipedally (although in early episodes he is often depicted sitting on all fours). MacFarlane uses his normal speaking voice for Brian, as opposed to the vocal modifications he makes when voicing other characters in the show such as Peter, Stewie, and Quagmire. In the Larry shorts, Seth MacFarlane provided the same voice as Brian for a dog named Steve, who had a similar personality. In the 1000th issue of Entertainment Weekly, Brian Griffin was selected as the Dog for "The Perfect TV Family."
Full name
Brian Griffin
Mother
Biscuit (deceased)
Father
Coco (deceased)
Son
Dylan
Cousin
Jasper
Gender
Male
Hair color
White
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